This blog is dedicated to all the humorous, serious, religious, political, fanatical, or otherwise interesting emails that get forwarded too frequently. Shouldn't we be able to find them all in one place?
Saturday, January 21, 2006
More Thoughts for 2006→
Editor's Note:
Ok.. some of these are repeats of previous posts, but they're still good. :)
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
A few thoughts for the rest of the year....
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where
thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006
Ok.. some of these are repeats of previous posts, but they're still good. :)
---------------------
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta it's butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
A few thoughts for the rest of the year....
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where
thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration. ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006
