White Lie Church Cake→ Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this --especially all of the ladies who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets she found a dusty old angel food cake mix in the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of new friends.

So, being inventive and not wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman able to handle all things at all times or that, God forbid, she was not participating in her church's bazaar, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom -- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that the attractive perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom. Alice was horrified. . . she was beside herself. Everyone would know. . . what would they think? Oh my, she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. She would have to move again!

All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend a fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South. . . and to Alice's horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert.

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate what words she would use to explain the situation, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "There is a God."  ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 0 comments

  Am I a Fireman Yet?→ HOW BIG OUR GOD IS

Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is!

In Phoenix, Arizona, a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukaemia.

Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfil all his dreams.Now that was no longer possible. The leukaemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true.

She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"

Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."

Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."

Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix.

She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.

Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day.

We can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!

And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy -- one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.

They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."

Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.

Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station.

He was in heaven.

There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car.

He was also videotaped for the local news program.

Having his dream come true, with all the Love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor
thought possible.

One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.

Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital
to be with Billy as he made his transition.

The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.
Will you please do me a favour? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system, that there is not a fire?
It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"

About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room.

With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.

With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?"

"Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said.

With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing.."

He closed his eyes one last time.

My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.

Please pass this to people you want to be blessed. This story is powerful and there is nothing attached, PLEASE do not break this pattern; Uplifting stories are one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let's
continue to uplift one another!!!  ¶ Thursday, January 26, 2006 2 comments

  More Thoughts for 2006→ Editor's Note:
Ok.. some of these are repeats of previous posts, but they're still good. :)
---------------------


I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a
weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.


The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.


Life is sexually transmitted.


Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about
seeing UFOs like they used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.


All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"


Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the
next thing that comes outta it's butt."


Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?


Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going
to look up there anyway?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


A few thoughts for the rest of the year....


Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?


We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where
thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.  ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006 0 comments

  Trucker's Order→ A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.

He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards , you might as well gas up!"

FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN!  ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006 0 comments

  What Would You Do?→ My question to all of you is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child."

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball.

Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play.

The boy looked around for guidance and, getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning.. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, S hay put on a glove and played in the outfield.

Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?

Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay.

As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher took the ball and turned and threw the ball on a high arc to right field, far beyond the reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!"

Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

By the time Shay rounded first base, the right fielder had the ball.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.

Shay ran toward second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases toward home.

Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!"

As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay, run home!"

Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

"That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."

AND, NOW A LITTLE FOOTNOTE TO THIS STORY: We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people think twice about sharing.

The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.

If you're thinkin g about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people on your address list that aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message.

Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the "natural order of things."

So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:

Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?

You now have two choices:
1. Delete this..
2. Forward it to the people you care about.  ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006 0 comments

  Your Parrot Died..→ At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor."

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."


SILENCE...................


"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"  ¶ Saturday, January 21, 2006 0 comments

  Zen Sarcasm→ 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our bottom. Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

31. Some people are like Slinkies. They have no practical use whatsoever, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.  ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 comments

  Tickle Me Elmo→ A factory in America makes 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel manager's door, the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast.

The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the assembly line is so backed up that there are 'Tickle Me Elmo's' all over the factory floor.

At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of 'Tickle Me Elmo's'.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around the two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," He says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".  ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 comments

  The Cabbie and the Nun→ A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfils the cab driver's fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."  ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 comments

  George Bush Goes Jogging→ George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, helped him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said "sure would like to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George said, I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them."

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!"

George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my Dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"  ¶ Thursday, January 12, 2006 0 comments